BarbWired

Seems my life is a struggle these days.  I struggle to get out of bed in the morning…. struggle to do anything that makes me feel worthy… struggle to make myself go to bed at night, struggle to communicate with my loved ones, struggle to write.  Hence this is my first journal entry in how long?  The only purpose I feel in my life right now is my part time job, which forces me to shower and get dressed three times a week. 

There are occasional lights, for which I am immensely grateful.  But they are too few and far between.  When I started writing this journal, I thought it would be therapeutic.  Get all my feelings out, help me work through my problems, etc.  But instead, I just found myself trying to entertain.  Don’t get me wrong… I love to make people laugh.  In fact, it’s one of my favorite things to do, and it usually comes easily to me.  Except maybe when I put too much pressure on myself.  I don’t want to stop writing, but lately the thought of posting something new is so overwhelming, it actually keeps me from reading other journals.  And I hate that.  I love reading other journals, and have come to think of several bloggers as friends.  Well, you know – virtual friends.  But when I read their journals and don’t comment, I feel guilty.  And that on top of the guilt I feel for not posting is too much to bear.  A friend suggested I stop journaling for now, but I’m not going to stop.  I think I just need to set my sights a little lower.  When I first began, I intended to post every day, but quickly found that easier said than done.  So for now, I think I’ll try for once a week, and if the spirit moves me, I’ll throw in a bonus one now and then.  By taking the pressure off, maybe I’ll be able to recharge my inner comedian, or at the very least, I won’t be afraid to sit in front of my computer and do something besides playing SNOOD.  (SNOOD IS THE DEVIL)